I would rather have a virus than use anti-virus software.

Or, can someone make anti-anti-virus software, that defeats the incredibly annoying things about most anti-virus programs:

Run update only when I'm sleeping; do not ever interrupt me to run this.
Do not install any extra menu items, browser links, outlook links, tray icons, desktop icons.
Do not try to upsell me on more of your shitty software each time you run.
Don't make me reboot so often after updates.
Give me better granularity over what should be checked and what not.
Don't be so slow on email attachment processing.
Basically, just stay the hell out of my way, and work in complete silence.

If anyone knows of any anti-virus software which meets all of the above objectives, let me know.